“Your past does not equal your future.”
I thought I was a pro at letting go. Moved around a lot, different schools, different states, different work teams. It made it easy to have casual and convenient friendships that lasted for a season…
I have this crazy remember-y brain that likes to bubble up spectacularly embarrassing memories right when I’m about to do something big or make a change in my life. I think of all the people who knew me back in the day or ex-coworkers or random past clients, and I think to myself: “see this is proof that I don’t belong in this space…this is proof that I’ll mess up and clients will be mad at me…this is proof…”
And I listen, and allow the fear to sound like wisdom and crawl back into my shell where it’s safe. Where I’m small.
Thankfully, there are other, deeper, better examples of people who have supported me and do support me, who encourage me and whose example reminds me that EVERYONE has these kinds of embarrassing or emotionally stressful memories. It’s part of working for and serving people.
I don’t have a delete button installed in my brain yet, but I have been able to look at my memories, feel the embarrassment/anger/fear, and realize how different I am from the person before. And I don’t have to be the person who lived those memories.
I would like to create a new story for myself. One where I can dump the hard shell that no longer fits and feel more like me again–silly, laughing, ridiculous me. I want to let go of the other labels I clung to that no longer serve me, and in fact hold me back. I want to be known for more than being analytical or managerial or robotic. I can be those things. But they’re not me. They’re the personas I step into to become successful in my day job; the game face I put on that helps me power through when I just want to quit.
I’m on the cusp of doing it again: stepping out of my comfort zone and going after something big. This time I’m determined to push forward.
This time, I won’t relive the past. This time, I’ll create the future I want to see happen.
Thanks for walking with me.